Processing, Processing, Processing

I have been like that little icon on  the computer screen that just spins and spins, processing, processing, processing....

It is difficult to describe exactly how many things I am processing right now. My focus is split into so many directions, trying to wrap my head around so many situations. Finally, on Thursday morning, I was able to visit with a friend and hear life-giving words, many of them straight from the Word. I cried and laughed and so did she. So much of what can't be public now or ever, I was able to share with her. When she left, I felt like God had ordained our time to remind me that even though each year I learn more of faith in who I can't see, sometimes my unseen and ever-so-tender God sees my frailty and sends one of his own so I can SEE for awhile.

Today, I have gotten to rattle around the house without any of my family here (which is just entirely weird and unsettling to be honest) and finally settle down with my journal and coffee and Bible and thoughts and do some processing, processing, processing....

I am sincerely hoping that small town life holds off, just for today. Normally, I laugh at how you just can't hide in my town. Secret smoker in the car? Not anymore. There's always someone you know going the opposite direction, waving at you. (Just in case my cardiologist is reading this, I don't smoke. It was just an example of how I always see people I know while I'm out driving around town.) Trying to rent a movie you don't want anyone to know you are going to watch? Don't even try. You'll know the person behind you in the Redbox line. Quiet walk in the morning? Not so much. Someone will definitely be yelling hi out their window as they drive or jog by in the other direction. Quick trip to the grocery? Nope. Always leave time for a heart-to-heart in the produce section. Or dairy. Or meat. Attempting to develop a raunchy reading habit using library books? Not gonna happen. The library employees will know you. Choosing to yell at a store clerk or game ref or ump? Don't bother. You'll see them again, probably at church or as a coach or a teacher or the parent of your child's friend. Random water department employee at the door in the morning while you're still in PJ's? Forget about it. You go to church with him. Unknown stranger at your neighbor's door looking at you as you stroll outside in your grubby clothes with your hair sticking up? Not a chance. You know that person too. The accountability is actually quite healthy.  But today....just today....I need some processing time.