Again?

I am becoming mildly alarmed at how often I find myself blogging on a Monday. This "hangover" day seems to be the day when I stop, think, write, process, and still try fit in a full day of homeschool and chores and life.

Finding myself yet again dealing with the all-too-familiar, often distracting and downright scary symptoms of a body that seems to be against me, I chose to sleep until I woke up today. For this opportunity, I am deeply grateful. I sure don't have the career I used to love, the paycheck I used to have, the house I dreamed of as a girl (and then again in my mid-20's)....but I have a God who has graciously surrounded me with a life that allows me to function within my limitations. He has given me a husband who would rather know that I'm resting than know that I've been up at dawn, rushing around all day. He has given me children who don't really care to see the sun rise. He has even given me a house that isn't too big for me to manage. My duplex buddy (aka neighbor) told me years ago how grateful she was for a small house she could keep up with. I saw her physical frailty, but I really didn't understand why she thought her small house was a blessing. Now I do. Today, I see the blessing in all this so clearly.

Monday mornings are "Daddy breakfast day." Brian alternates weeks and takes each boy individually to the breakfast place of their choice. The boys start getting excited about their turn about 24 hours in advance. It is precious. Of course, the boy who doesn't get to go ends up needing lots of reassurance from Mom that Dad loves them just as much.

We went to our annual youth Superbowl party yesterday. I can think of few Superbowls in my entire life that haven't been spent with a group of teens, the smell of Doritos and feet, and a lot of noise. Probably the most memorable one is the party we hosted back in Texas at our house in the year of the halftime show "wardrobe malfunction." Brian and I saw, most of the teens didn't, but the few that did started freaking out and then everyone clamored for a rewind. We had DVR in that day, so we could have, but Brian had a death grip on that remote. There was no rewinding that day. Memories...wow.

The boys are once again on the sledding chute as I type. Again, how grateful I am to have this place where they can play and play and never even leave our property. It looks like most of school will be in the afternoon.

I hope I have already recommended Mary Beth Chapman's "Choosing to See." If not, consider reading it sometime.

Now, here's the next book for your reading list: "The Devil in Pew Number Seven" by Rebecca Nichols. This book stopped me in my tracks and is exactly what I needed to read right now. Her story is shocking, full of pain, yet she writes of the need to forgive as Christ forgave. Forgiveness has been a big theme in my life for a long time. We have experienced more than one incident of deep betrayal and wounding in the past few years, often at the hands of believers, both in our personal lives and ministry lives; but our stories absolutely pale in comparison. Really, there isn't even a comparison. Her story and then what she writes about forgiveness after she tells her story, stirred in me yet an even deeper desire to know the absolute freedom of forgiveness, even if I have to get up every single day and forgive all over again. I have prayed a long time to forgive as Christ forgave. Some days, there is this inexplicable peace and freedom as God enables me to forgive. Other days, old wounds that I thought were healed open and ooze again.

Some days, I just want to give in to unforgiveness. It sounds easier up front. It's a bit like fast food--faster, easier, even fairly palatable--but then it destroys your heart.

Some days, I just want to stop caring about forgiving as Christ forgave and let bitterness sweep over me. I just want to be mad.

But honestly? That's not really what I want, so I take it to God again, begging for the ability to release the other person from what they owe me for the wrong they did. And he hears. He does this thing in me I can't explain and he reminds me of the shockingly outrageous forgiveness Christ offers. He reminds me of how I've been forgiven both by Jesus and people. If I have to ask every single day for the rest of my life that God would let me forgive as Christ forgave, so be it. I want to be free.

You should read the book.