Falling Behind

I am laughing pretty hard right now. I wrote this blog yesterday about how I've been falling behind. Then I fell behind and forgot to post....ah, the irony.

Here it is:

Over the past few months, I have found myself falling further and further behind on everything I think I should be doing. Since I tend to base my worth on productivity, this is rough. I'm not saying that's how it should be, I'm saying that's how it is. When I don't get much done, when the piles are big, I don't feel like I'm worth much.

Interestingly, God has put me in a body that works against the ever-elusive productivity. I was in bed by 9:45pm last night and struggling to open my eyes at 7:15am. That's embarrassing to me. I feel somehow like less of a person. Early birds are all around me. Homeschool moms who are up with the dawn, a husband who has to put supreme effort into sleeping past 5:00am, my neighbors who are off to work when I'm still fighting my way out of my pillow, the faithful people walking or jogging past my house with the early-morning sun. I know some of my meds do this to me. I know my body doesn't handle long days like the Saturday and Sunday I had this past week. Around here, we all recognize the chalk-white color of my face that means I'm going to need to sleep for a long time. Still, I struggle with my own sense of worthlessness, my lack of productivity.

More and more, God is teaching me Identity 401. (101 was the identity part where I thought I needed a boyfriend to complete me. 201 was the part where I thought I needed kids to complete me. 301 was the part where I thought I needed a good job to complete me.) Now here I am in 401. Honestly, this class is tough. I keep learning all about how it's who God is that defines me, not what I do or accomplish or people's opinions of me. Then, everything changes and I get thrown into the class again. There's just so much homework in this class and lots of lab time with real-life scenarios. Sigh.

I so much want to rest in who He is and forget about proving who I am.

Today, I had a chance to do that. The pile on my desk is still there. The washer is running in its perpetually losing battle against laundry. Dinner is not really clearly planned in my mind and will probably be weird at best. E-mails are still back-logged. Dear people I wish to encourage or catch up with remain uncontacted. My discipleship curriculum homework isn't finished. My Sunday School lesson isn't outlined. The devotional I'll be giving at a ladies' event is only in rough draft form. I am even behind on responding to texts. (Seriously, I was actually invited over to someone's house yesterday and didn't see the text until today. Wow.)

But....

Today I got to hug a friend and talk to her, even if it was only for a few minutes.

Today I got to read my Bible.

Today I got to pray.

Today I got to read to my boys.

Today I got to use the $11 balance on a Chipotle gift card to bless my boys with lunch. (I didn't even eat, I just sat and beamed as they savored their food and laughed and talked and burped.)

Today I got to walk and pray and review verses.

I have proven very little about my own ability to accomplish, to produce, to get it all done. And today, that's OK. The Savior who invites me to come to him for rest from the burdens I lug around has let me lay down my drive for productivity today, and has let me invest in friends, kids, my health, and Him.