On a Glowing Afternoon

The fall colors this year have been spectacular. Every day for weeks now, I have found myself just stopping and staring at brilliant reds and bright golds and mellow oranges. Hillsides have gone from scrub oak to some sort of cascading waterfall of color. Taller mountain peaks are bright with snow. Around 5:00 in the afternoon, everything starts to glow golden. I will miss these colors. Already, the hillsides are rusting into brown, many trees are bare, but I will hold on to as many glowing afternoons as I can still get.

Fall.
Change.
Ache.
Beauty.
Bittersweet.
Lingering.
Decay.
Color.
Maturity.
Rich.
Memory.
Rest.
Weariness.
Soft.

Somehow I ache inside, with almost unbearable joy and beauty and sadness in the fall.

On this particular glowing afternoon, I found myself taking a deep breath outside, just basking in the glow and shuffling through the leaves on my deck. More illness arrived at our house a couple of weeks ago. As if stomach virus on top of stomach virus wasn't enough, Joseph and I ended up sore throats that lasted and lasted and lasted. Then Joseph got a mystery rash. Then Elijah came up with a high fever that is lingering and adding on symptoms like cough, sore throat, nausea, and vomiting. Although it sounds like we might be the poster children for strep, the doctor disagrees. It is "just" a virus.

It's "just" that I always feel so trapped by sickness. It changes plans, turns us into prisoners in our house, and "just" hijacks everything. And, if that isn't enough, every single time one of my kids gets sick, I end up doing battle with terrific fear.

And so, it was good to go outside and "just" soak in some golden glow.
And it was good to come back in, thanking God for literally lighting up my day.
And it was good to give my little fever-boy a kiss on his rumpled head.
And it was good to remember I might feel hijacked, but this was God's plan.
And it was good to squeeze into the cleft of the rock, seeing God's goodness.
And it was good to ache with unbearable joy and beauty and sadness.
And it was good in the ache to turn my eyes again to Jesus, the lover of my soul.
And it was good for me to remember the ferocious, tender love he has for my children.