A Lump in my Throat

I've been walking around under a little black rain cloud for quite a few days now. Ongoing struggles have seemed bigger than usual, I've been more behind on housework than usual, I just feel kind of fragile. Prayer has been stilted and short. Sometimes I think if I have to go through one more of these dark places, I will just crawl under my bed forever. I really don't like it here.

Today, some things started to come together in my mind. This odd lump in my throat that won't go away. The tears that keep springing up. The re-opening of tender places where hurt is fresh and still healing. This all feels like grief. What on earth am I grieving? My daughter. Yup, 12 years later, the grief still surges.

I miss you so much, my baby girl. It was through you I learned such deep grief, such relentless mercy, such vast love from the One who holds both you and me in His hands. I can't wait to see you. Neither can your dad or brothers. We talk about you all the time.