Equity

The first definition of equity is "fair, just." The fourth definition of equity is "the monetary value of a property beyond what is owed on it". Today, I am completely overwhelmed with a feeling of inequity in my life. Dangerous place to go. Feeling like something is unfair reflects directly back onto my God (who happens to be THE God), who says He is always and ever fair and just.

Brian and I are "those" people that the news highlights regularly. "Those" people who made horrible decisions by buying property at a high value and are now watching their property plummet to jaw-dropping values. For some reason, the way these reports always sound, "those" people might as well be referred to as "those" idiots. Sometimes, I really do feel the weight of the idiot thing. We live our days in a house where our equity (definition #4) is so negative that it just feels like the equity (definition #1) of the situation is non-existent. We didn't set out to be "those" people. We just ended up here with no #4 equity and seemingly no #1 equity. It's no big deal to say we have no #4 equity, but saying we are lacking in #1 equity is taking it right to God's face. It's me telling him [insert slightly whiny voice], "It's no fair, God. You aren't being fair to us. We didn't do anything to deserve this."

The stark truth is that I didn't do anything to deserve the breath I just drew or eyes to see this spectacular fall day. I have, however, done more than enough, to deserve the very worst thing God could bring into my life. That happens to be hell. You know, hell--where God isn't. Alone. With myself. With my flaws. With my pride. With my sin. With my whiny voice. Alone. That's what I deserve.

So, here I am. Intellectually, I know what I deserve. I am grasping the mere edges of this marvelous grace that is mine, undeserved but generously poured out. It is enough to make me skip a breath just thinking about the immensity of what has been given me, even though I do not see it clearly. Yet? I am struggling with #1 equity. I am struggling with fears about money. Comparisons to others with their nice houses and savings accounts. Fears about our boiler that needs to be replaced in the next year or two. Fears about aging cars. Fears about health.

Isn't it a marvel that the ultimately fair and just God, loves someone like this so much? Isn't it a marvel that He invites me to pour out my heart, including all the lack of #1 equity thoughts? Isn't it a marvel that He who began a good work in me is faithful to carry it out to the day of completion? Now that I think about it, it kind of seems like He's the one who should be whining, not me. I think I got the better end of the deal.