....I woke up to a new kind of day. Not fun. Not what I wanted. Certainly new. It was hard to get out of bed this morning. I just felt kind of overwhelmed by it all. I've been exhausted beyond comprehension by 9pm every night, so getting up should not have been hard after all that sleep, but it was. I lay there just thinking. Then, these words started playing in my head: "Turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me." I cried. I literally didn't have the strength to take up my cross. I still don't, but I asked God for strength for each step today....each wave of fear or discouragement or dizziness. I can't do this. There's not enough of me. But, who else am I going to follow? What else? The elusive path to good health? The hope of believing in myself to make myself better? The "feeling" that things will get better? What about the despair that beckons me periodically? Maybe anger? How about some good old-fashioned depression? There is no other path. They are all dead ends that will disappoint. "Lord, who else can we follow? You alone have the words of eternal life." (John 6:68)
I asked Brian, "How do I follow Jesus today when I am so weak, scared, dizzy?"
He said, "Pray." I am. Praying for joy. Praying for new depth with God. Praying for strength. Praying for purpose. Praying for freedom from fear. Praying for my family. Praying for peace. Praying for the dizziness to go away. Praying for the two little babies I know whose lives have been changed early on by serious health complications. Praying for the aches inside others. Praying for the loads that seem too heavy. Praying the medications help me and don't hurt me. Praying that somehow people will see Jesus and realize he's it.
Today, this is a lonely and shadowy place of uncertainty and physical weakness. So, I pray.
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