This day has had a big heart-related theme. It's kind of weird, really. I feel like it's been so much about doing battle with my heart on two levels. This morning, I spent a long time praying and journaling and so intensely aware of my sin. My heart is just so full of gunk. Old wounds that re-open and ooze, critical attitudes, anger, selfishness, new wounds that hurt badly, pride, anxiety....you name it, I'm probably dealing with it in there somewhere. If God left me alone with this heart forever, that would truly be hell. In fact, I suspect that's a great deal of what hell is. God leaving you alone with yourself. Horrible, inconceivably awful, screamingly painful, breathtakingly dreadful thought.
I have to say, I had hoped to be a "good Christian" by this age. I'm not. What I am is a living, breathing exhibit of the mercy of God. Every. Single. Day.
After spending so long talking to God about my heart, I had to talk myself into going to the rec center to deal with....you guessed it....my heart. I did not want to go. I resisted as long as I could. Brian finally got me out the door.
Taking care of this heart has been a lot of work today.
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