A Fear of Mine

One week ago, were processing the news that we had a carbon monoxide leak in our boiler system that was spreading out into the basement. One week later, I'm still processing the last week of life. All I have to say at the moment is, "Good grief wowie zowie huh whaaaaaa seriously for real help crazy unbelievable." What can I say? I'm a woman of few words......haha.

And, honestly, I'm facing a big fear.

Here it is: I am afraid of what people will think of us when they find out we're taking a vacation to California in March. Interesting, huh? I'm not thrilled about the cost of the boiler, but I'm not afraid. I'm not even fearful of another leak. I'm afraid of public opinion. I do wonder when I will learn to look fully to God for approval and stop worrying about what other people think.

I want to be excited about this trip. I really do, but instead I am finding myself just mostly upset about what people will think and say. I wish you could have seen Joseph and Elijah when they learned that Brian had planned this trip, using his Christmas bonus. They were screaming and jumping around the house and I was crying (because I always cry). It was the morning of my 40th birthday. I could not imagine a more beautiful gift than seeing my kids wild with excitement and Brian beaming with satisfaction at having found a way to take our kids to the ocean and Disney for the first time.

I guess this goes pretty deep with me. Our kids hear, "We don't have the money," regularly. Always, we must be careful to live within our provision. Always, car repairs and medical expenses and unexpected things shake our ability to stay there. This is so exciting to be able to say "yes".

We get to visit friends while we're there and see their wonderful family. They are one of those families that we pictured growing old with, but like so often happens in life, it's a "friendship interrupted". I have a stack of those. Friendships just waiting for the new earth, where time and distance won't mean what they do now. We're excited to see them.

But wait....it goes even deeper. I never got to go to the ocean with my dad and mom. Money was scarce, actually non-existent at times. My dad got to see Jesus before he was 50, so our family never had the chance to see the ocean together. I want to show my kids. I want to be there when they put the first toe in the squishy sand at the edge and watch the edge of the waves wash over it. I want to hold Brian's hand and sit on a beach together.

And now, I'm letting my fear of what people might think take all of this away from me. It's making more sense to me with every passing year why Paul so boldly says that he does not seek human approval. Human approval is a trap. God's approval is freedom.

So, we're going to California and I'm praying for joy and freedom and anticipation at this wonderful gift. And I do not forget to be thankful that I am typing this from a warm basement. Aaaahhhh....