I Need to Go for a Walk

Story of my life. Every day. Exercise. Every single day I have to figure out if, when, how, where. I like my days off, but I don't get many. The doc has made it clear that 5 days a week should be my normal. Somehow, I really prefer 4.....or 3.....

Since high school, I've always exercised in some form or another because I was given a body that likes to be somewhat chubby and a back that likes to go out of alignment regularly. I have serious bouts of resenting people who can eat anything and still be cute and skinny. Now that I'm allergic to half the earth and still prone to chubby, it's even worse. Sometimes, I watch someone with no weight issues and no allergies cram a doughnut in their mouth and I just want to cry....or hurt them. Then the feeling goes away, and I'm ready to be me again.

Yesterday, I was at the rec center working out for the gazillionth time in my life really wishing there would come a day when I was done exercising and could check it off the list. Then I had a very overwhelming flashback of going back to the rec center after my heart attack and barely being able to get around the track at a slow crawl. I remember pain shooting across my chest and my left arm going numb during my first post-heart attack walk at the rec center. I remember wondering how it was I was ever one of "those" people sweating away up there on the treadmills or lifting weights. I was so physically weak. I wasn't sure if I would ever be strong enough to really exercise again. Maybe I don't want to be "done" exercising after all.

Yesterday, I was fine. Granted, I don't and can't exercise as hard as I used to exercise, but my legs worked fine, my lungs worked fine, my arms worked fine....I was convicted about the need to be grateful that I could exercise.

Today, I need to go for a walk. Really, I am so grateful I can. I'm just not in the mood. Exercise has changed for me from an activity to keep me from having to buy bigger jeans and something to keep my back from going out, to one that is necessary for my very life. The stakes feel higher, different. It's more than just my clothing size. I just wish I enjoyed it more.