I Break Things

The past week has been a bit of a blur.

One week of school is done. Sadly, I must report that the downhill slide began on Friday when I was unable to figure out how to shower and wear something besides PJ's until 3:30pm. Normally I don't have the PJ meltdown in the first week of school. In fact, this is a first. The good news? The boys had a fairly excellent day of school. They happened to be showered and dressed, unlike their mother.

Lots of things are breaking around here. I'm not sure if I've mentioned the odd appliance and car curse that appears to hang over my head, but I think I have one. Let me just review a bit of my history in this area.

I could post all the pictures I've taken of various cars we own being put on a tow truck. The trouble is that until the digital age, I didn't have pictures of these events so it would be an incomplete record. I also don't have a picture of the body damage to our car when the mechanic who had just finished working on it got in a car wreck while test-driving our car. This was a few years ago, but still noteworthy in my mind.

How about the keyboard that got fried in a freak power surge? Our electric company has since done lots of upgrading to the infrastructure in our neighborhood, but that was a costly power surge. Our current keyboard is on a heavy-duty surge protector.

Irons. I don't know how many I've killed. I don't really iron all the time, I just buy a new iron about every 3 years. I don't know why. My most recent iron went dark and cold just a few months ago. Its replacement even now trembles in my laundry room, knowing its days are numbered.

Crock pots. I might cry here. I don't understand what happens, but I am possibly near owning my tenth crock pot. I know one was broken at a church potluck, but I'm not really sure what happened to the rest. In fact, one time I bought a new crock pot and had to return it because it didn't heat up. Its replacement didn't either. The third one finally worked. It just broke spectacularly two weeks ago, complete with massive amounts of goo that should have been contained, but instead was pooling all over my stove and counter. I am currently rocking a throwback that a friend of mine gave to me when she heard my crock pot died--again. It is working so well and I am loving the harvest gold theme. Don't mistake the sarcastic flavor for ingratitude. I cried happy tears when she gave me the crock pot. I want this crock pot to last forever.

Hand mixers. The list of hand mixers I've mercilessly killed is long and includes my mom's hand mixer.

Clothes dryers. Not good. Not good at all. We've owned more than anyone should own in 21 years. One even caught on fire. Granted, it was used and was possibly 73 years old when we bought it, but it caught on fire.

Washing machines. Here I echo, "Not good, not good at all." Several have passed through our laundry rooms in various dwellings. We were finally given a gently used washer a few years ago and it was amazing. It purred, as opposed to the prior washer that clanged, jumped, and basically did its best to shred our clothes. Then the gently purring washer broke in a ferocious way two weeks later. Its replacement stopped working this morning.

Lawn mower. This is a new one. I've never killed one before. Actually, it would tough for me to kill one since I don't mow the lawn. It would appear my amazing son who never complains about mowing might have accidentally killed it this morning. He feels terrible. Poor guy.

Dishwasher. Technically, our dishwasher works. What that really means is that it turns on, gets hot, and swishes water around. As far as actually cleaning anything, I just can't give it credit for working. So, we stopped using it. I've been handwashing dishes for a long time now and it's not so bad.

Fridge. The refrigerator has an incontinence issue, but I keep it fairly well contained with strategically placed bowls. This has been working for several years now, with only the occasional horrible accident. Perhaps this same strategy will work for me as I age. (Yup, I typed that.)

Cell phone. Is this an appliance? I don't know, but I'm including it. My current cell (yes, the SMART phone) has a keyboard issue. I can press the space bar and get a "vl". I can press a "b" and get a "z". I really never know what will come out when I type. This includes the way I can't seem to get my phone to accept my password. I type in a reasonable, correct password and the phone says in its nasally voice, "I'm sorry, 993344444777800643920000222 is not a valid password." This is only a small exaggeration. You would not believe what happens. Hence, I have given up on cell phone voice mail. Don't leave me one. I don't try anymore.

There's more, but I think you get the point. Do NOT under any circumstances bring any appliance or car you want to keep within a 1-mile radius of me. If you want a new one and can't get the old one to break, bring it over. I'm free all weekend.

I have to go break something now.